What would you say defines a successful marriage?
Is it longevity, happiness, friendship, depth of relationship? How does time bear on that definition — does it mitigate it or enhance it?
Whatever it is, one thing that seems obvious is that it’s way more than simply someone’s (or, even a group's) idea of what it is. It’s an actual relationship — not a conceptual one, an actual one.
Having now been married for 39 years (as of today), I can say that — like long-term relationships of many kinds — it covers a lot terrain. There are many highs and lows (not just one or two). The terrain is vast and nuanced, including many patterns — some are highly perceived, some are not. There is both something constant and something evolving. Some familiar and something imminently new.
So, what makes the relationship of marriage persist?
If nothing else, I would say commitment. Many things, of course, impact that. Sure, what I get out of it is always in play. But, in the end, it is my willingness to stay committed to Tami's full well-being that keeps me in my relationship with her.
As she and I reflect on it, we feel very aware of what that commitment has yielded. Sure, we still get into skirmishes with each other. They are uncomfortable; we don't like them. But, something has grown strong enough, because of the length and depth of our commitment, that we aren't ultimately threatened by them (even when sometimes, in the moment, we still feel like we are).
We are very grateful for these yields — the many things we do together (see below) and enjoy together, the things we have discovered together, the things we respect and and admire about each other, the friendships we've built (and lost), the beauty of our children (and now their children) and our relationships with them. The list goes on and on.
In many ways, we each feel like our lives are continuing to expand and grow, both independently and together. With even just a little distance (for perspective), we marvel at that, are grateful for it, and want to keep on...staying committed to loving each other.
Before this all begins to sound a little too self-congratulatory, I should add the distinct likelihood that effort (commitment) alone may not always provide such outcomes. I know of many who have been committed to their marriages (well beyond how I am to mine) who may feel they have ended up with few or none of the things I've mentioned above. I don't fully know what to do with that (besides feel the sadness I have for them).
So, perhaps more than anything else, I should also acknowledge the reality (and need) of a lot of grace — something we all need to extend as much as we need to receive — to make a marriage successful.
Frozen shores of PJ Hoffmaster State Park, MI
