Our reason for existing is to contribute to the well-being of others.
The only way to know what it feels like to lose and develop the musculature to handle it, is to lose.
Excavation of the heart is very hard and few do it (or, are willing to do it) — but, that doesn’t mean it’s not necessary.
Are you actually worried about the state of our republic?
It's probably time for a new coffee-maker.
I would describe the temperature of a fresh pot of coffee from my coffee-maker as...warm. Does anyone really like warm coffee? I don't. So I've added the additional step in my morning coffee routine of microwaving my coffee before pouring it into my thermo-mug. I've thought, it's just one more little thing, so I do it.
But, there are more steps involved than I'm admitting to myself (which probably simply makes my opening comment even more true). I have to pour the coffee pot coffee into a glass mug (so that I can microwave it — you know what happens when you microwave metal) and then pour that into my thermo-mug. This all seems to create an ever-increasing trail of items that need to be cleaned, so I also wash the glass mug (another step). If this is getting a bit tedious even to read, imagine what it feels like to do it. But, I digress....
This morning, while cleaning the glass mug, I dropped it in the sink. Before I could even stop myself, I blurted out, "How does this even happen?!?".
Wait, what?
It's easy to see how it happened; I dropped it.
Besides the relatively benign significance of this (non)-event, I couldn't help but notice an unanticipated kind of echo in my unfiltered blurt — because I'm mumbling something like that more and more to myself..."how does that even happen?".
Among other things, the mood reflected in my question is that whatever is happening, shouldn't be. So, it's not really a question after all. It’s really a statement — a statement of frustration — and that's the part worth noting. There's an assumption in there somewhere and it appears to be growing. Now I'm suspecting the question is not my real question anyway. As I've pondered the dynamic a bit, I'm detecting something else the question might be revealing — a growing spirit that believes life owes me something that it isn't delivering.
I am becoming increasingly aware how much I expect life largely to work, especially if I make conscious efforts to the likelihood of it doing so. For example, have you ever noticed the primary emotion you sometimes feel when you’ve consciously tried to keep something from happening ahead of time and it happens anyway? Anger, for me, is a common indicator of this. So, it is useful for me to at least notice it.
It is likely the case that we all have desires, if not expectations, that life will increasingly cooperate with us. We are even willing to invest in that possibility. But, the often undetected feature of these desires or expectations is that we are owed this possibility, especially when we’ve put forth effort to realize it.
When you stop and think about it, it's actually surprisingly true how often, in fact, that it does work out this way (at least for some people — but, that's a whole other story). But, too often, that simply reinforces our notion that the more we do along these lines, the more we can expect the benefits of doing so. And, this is most exposed when it doesn’t happen.
It is a faulty assumption that life owes us anything. While it is amazingly true that there are many benevolences in life, that still doesn’t translate to mean that it owes them to us. When we get this wrong, we set ourselves up for many unfortunate dynamics and, therefore, conclusions.
In spite of the stupidity of doing so, it would not be too hard for me to conclude that life is somehow conspiring against me…that a coffee mug falling out of my hand is somehow proof of that. But, conflating these two particular things is not only a bit weird, it also points out some of my basic working assumptions right now.
After all, it is probably more likely true that I exist for the benefit of life m, rather than that life exists for the benefit of me. When a perspective about such things is more in tune with reality, it is also more likely that the benefits involved are mutual.
Life really doesn’t owe me anything.
So, now that that’s settled, it’s still likely just time for a new coffee-maker.
I think it may be easier to see solutions if you can distinguish between context and content. If you can place a problem within the framework of the larger universe, its dimensions are put into perspective and automatically diminished.
-- Peter Cundill, on the power of perspective
I've noticed...that the odds are in my favor in some things, and not so much in others.
Assuming the same is true for you, it's probably worth considering more what the implications of that really are...not only for ourselves, but perhaps more importantly for others.
Sustainable strength is almost always based on respect.
Greatness and power are not necessarily synonymous — one wields power, while the other shares it.
If it’s only good for some, it’s probably not good.
At the end of the day, isn't it significance that we're all after?
Prior 3 Observations & A Question….
Trump terminates program tracking mass abductions of Ukrainian children
He's betting that most of us just won't notice or, worse, won't care enough to do anything about it because it doesn't affect us directly...yet.
But, it isn't simply that valuable information is being systematically removed. The implication, of course, is that the people the information describes are being removed, too. Message: you, too...if you're not one of us.
And, he is daring the courts to try and stop him, because he’s betting there, too, that they won’t.
Will we?
In case you’re still wondering, he's not doing this for us....
Ever noticed...that we are rarely condemned to the degree that we think we will be?
Energy creates energy.
Violence changes nothing for the better.
Grief isn’t as much something you have to go through, as it is a way to deal with what you have already gone through.
If challenged by health, how hard would you fight to live? Perhaps more importantly, why?
Prior 3 Observations & A Question….
'Poem for the week' -- "Ways to Measure Trees":
Level II: Basic Assessment
All my life I was a hammer:
I struck at everything I touched.
Then I commit a few Thursdays
to trees. I am not gentle but I could be.
Around one tree, I try my basic circling
steps, tap the tree’s bark with my mallet
and listen for the difference: alive?
dead? alive? dead? alive? still alive?
I muscle coils of clay and learn
the same lesson again and again–
could be clay trees family trees
literal trees: I hear the precarious things.
I go phone-my-forester asking
about sounding trees, about my ears?
How I want to save a few trees
but don’t understand what I hear.
All my life I swung the wrong things.
I put down mallet and muscle,
circle the tree’s girdling roots
and ask, “Where does it hurt?”
The forester returns my call.
He’s glad he caught me this evening.
He heard what I asked about trees
and ears. “It’s subtle, takes practice.”
-- MaKshya Tolbert
Where the real fight is....
Oh, tell me more. You want details, right?
I'm going to skip most of those (for now) and go for the net-out:
I have learned the most about relationships
from my closest ones.
That's it? That's a little disappointing (I know) and not particularly newsworthy (maybe it is a confession, though).
We all are prone to assumptions (often the start of most fights, too, by the way). Assumptions, after all, are how we get by. But, sometimes they are quite wrong. We do tend to craft our view of things around what makes sense to us. The problem is that, too often, what makes sense to us is exclusive in nature...it often doesn't consider what makes sense to someone else.
At the very least, it is often confined to the particularities of our experience, which we control far more of than we tend to think.
Countless times, I've discovered (sometimes painfully) that what I'm thinking is not what someone else is thinking, even when they are close to me and I think I know them well. This has borne itself out in my relationship with my wife, my kids, my friends, my neighbors, my co-workers, etc. In fact, the list is conspicuously large. That should indicate something.
There are often significant compatibilities, to be sure, with those around us. But, those are really never all-encompassing or absolute.
I want to zero in. But, I need to open myself up. What I need (or want) vs what is good for the other person. This is where the real fight (battle) is.
None of this may be easy, especially at certain times (it may, in fact, take a lifetime). It comes down to what you are willing to trust in — to what you are willing to entrust yourself to.
Love is a long-term thing and, therefore, requires this kind of faith — trusting that something is true, even when you don't see the truth of it in a particular moment or circumstance. Love has faith. It trusts.
Yes, there is a religious version of faith, too. Sadly, religion too often seems to contribute more to the doubt about it, as it is often only lives up to inconsistency (if even that much). And, this is, I suspect, because much of it isn't really love-based faith. It doesn't really trust.
Essentially, you have to stare down the question: what does it really mean and take to truly trust another person?
In other words, what do I really have to assume (believe)?
Most of that answer will come from your personal experience of love. Most of that experience will be with those closest to you…where the real fight is, with yourself.
I’m wondering…when you realize how much your frame of reality has changed, what happens internally?
Do you feel lost? Homeless? Freed? Excited?
We all are trying so hard…to cope.
Too many people don’t really care about things that don’t affect them directly.
The only healthy way forward now is through grief (more here).
Why do we so often feel compelled to cast other people in terms of evil?
Prior 3 Observations & A Question….
A peer at work sent me an email this week that she was leaving early to cry...because her brother had just died.
Among other things, I told her I would pray for her. I didn't then, but the next morning I did.
It is early in the morning and today my 84-year-old mother is having open heart surgery. I visit her knowing the possibility of the same fate as my co-worker's brother. So, I am praying for her this morning. Doing so, leads me to pray for my dad, too. Which brings my brother to mind and how he, too, is impacted by the situation. My prayers then wander to all of our collective children and their relationship with my mother.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch a presidential address to the nation the other night (normally, I force myself to do so, for what I used to think was the greater good of civic responsibility). And, I'm finding that one of my few remaining choices, regarding the anxiety I sometimes feel about the impacts of our current political system, is to pray.
I’m surprised at times how prayer can still feel like a last resort and yet while doing it, one of my best options.
As do many things, including my better desires, I’ve noticed more recently that prayers come more easily for me in the morning (perhaps, the two are not actually different things — one rather simply being the expression of the other). It seems the prayers of an early morning often pull me back out of the rabbit-holes of despair over the environment many days impose on my psyche.
Perhaps this is because our purest prayers help us articulate our desires (even when our desires are not all that good). Prayers can be one of the most raw and authentic things we can do, especially as we discover that their whole essence has very little to do with things like duty after all. Rather, they are the expression of yearning we have for what is good and the acknowledgment that significant portions of our ability to embody the goodness of those things (our desires) is dependent on additional resources beyond what we can provide for ourselves.
Prayers serve to remind us that our desires are not autonomous. There is a latent dependency in what we want. In other words, our desires involve other things, often other beings…like God, or people (or even animals). In both times of peace and calamity, our prayers acknowledge this dependency, our need, our desire for what is good in life. And, in that way, prayers migrate us from the simply transactional nature of asking for things that we want and toward the things that we all want — expanding our desire from self-satisfaction toward collective harmony.
Prayers can also be the catalyst to move us from our contemplation of what is good for ourselves (and others) to the actions that contribute to the realization of this goodness. Something must bridge what we think we want to what we do about it. There are likely many things that can serve this function.
In my experience, prayer is often one of those...particularly the prayers of an early morning.
Take care of the many who, for no fault of their own, get the short straws in life. They deserve better.
-- Warren Buffett, (from his annual shareholder letter on Saturday morning, including a not-entirely-indirect message for President Donald Trump and other elected leaders about his $26.8 billion record tax payment)
I've noticed...I have to focus on how to promote what is good…not in theory, but in action.
Trying to keep up with what is wrong is, in the end, demoralizing and hopeless…it saps both my energy and strength. It is also easy. It is harder to direct my attention away from that and on to what I can actually do for the sake of someone else’s good.
I've also noticed that how I start my day affects my focus the rest of my day.
What you give your attention to fills your mind. And, what you fills your mind with impacts your whole being. Your being is where the action is because it is from your being that you love.
Knowing what is good is one thing; acting on it is another. It seems like I have to consciously focus and choose what I want to do about what I know...and act accordingly.
A healthy psyche lives within at least four containers of meaning. Imagine four nested domes. The first is called MY story, the second is OUR story, the third is OTHER stories, and the fourth is THE story. This is what I call the cosmic egg.
Biblical revelation is saying that the only way we dare move up to THE story and understand it with any depth is by moving through and taking responsibility for our personal story, our group story, and other stories.
True transcendence frees us from the tyranny of I AM, the idolatry of WE ARE, and the scapegoating of THEY ARE. When all four stories are taken seriously, as the Bible shows us very well, we have a full life — fully human and fully divine.
-- Richard Rohr
-- Eldridge Cleaver
Tyranny requires your fear and your silence and your compliance. Democracy requires your courage. So gather your justice and humanity, Illinois, and do not let the ‘tragic spirit of despair’ overcome us when our country needs us the most.
-- J.B. Pritzker
We all develop routines.
I guess we like, at least, a few things in our lives that are predictable.
Disruption (even chaos, at times) has its place. But mostly, uncontained and for too long, it is unsustainable and counter-productive. Even what it reveals, largely serves the purpose of re-establishing a modified attempt to control for order. While some like chaos, more people like predictability.
Routines are one of the more simplistic ways we, as human beings, tend to use to achieve that. And, if you really stop and notice, the precision we end up introducing to establish and maintain them is really kind of…intoxicating. Once we really get going on them, we often, in fact, are pretty in love with what we’ve come up to make our lives get easier and easier.
I’m in on it, too. As a relatively minor, behavioral example, I always put my car keys in one particular pocket of my coat (even if I change coats). It helps me always know where my keys are, without having to think about it. I do this with my wallet, too. In fact, I do such things much more than I realize. It reduces the stress having to use energy to re-discover things that really don’t need to be re-discovered.
Ok, so what?
Drivers of our habits like predictability, efficiencies, stress-reduction can also not only be addictive, but reduce our capacity to remain open to things that may not make our personal routines list. When we become so committed to the outcomes they often produce, we can also easily become things like inflexible, narrow-minded, threatened, judgmental, and unaccepting (not only of different ways of doing things, but also of the people who do them…differently).
Our routines often end up reflecting our values. And, our values often translate to how we see people (not to mention how we treat them). Why do they have to be so different? A sentence often thought, if not heard. Heck, I’ve even thought such thoughts from time to time. But, invariably, a deeper concern often lurks underneath. I can too easily conclude that my routines are not just helpful for me; they are also…right.
It doesn’t take much to spot how problematic this can be.
For example, whenever my venue changes, I almost immediately have to start crafting the routines that would work best in that different context. It may be as simple as the weather and everything I’ve subconsciously organized to help my relationship with it adapt. When I’m in warm climates, I don’t keep track much of things like gloves or hats. In cold climates, I know right where they are…and my jackets are towards the front of where I keep them. But, for me to say that I locate things I use more because it is right to do so doesn’t necessarily follow.
And, yet, we do this quite a bit, don’t we?
“We always do this. Or, we always do this…that way. And, by the way, others should, too, because it is the right way to do it.” We want to feel this extra feature; that we do what we do, because it is right. It’s hard for us to stop even there, though. Not only should others do things the way we think they should, they should also think the right way. Oh, and, they should believe what we believe, too. And because they don’t, we somehow find a way to use that as justification for our view of what is right.
But, it is still rather conspicuous how quickly we are willing to change something, if our circumstances change. We adapt pretty quickly to our surroundings. To view it as right or wrong is a little arbitrary (if not downright silly). The ones who don’t easily recognize this are, more often than not, those whose situation really hasn’t changed very much.
Live in another country for a while and watch what happens to you — to your routines, to what you think. Maybe, even, to what you believe.
But, you really don’t have go that far; even a different part of this country, for a while, where all kinds of things are a little (or a lot) different.
At the very least, allow yourself to acknowledge that way more than you think you need to.
We often are a product of our routines, which we have developed because of the circumstances and environments we live in. So, stay mindful of them — what they are and what they are not.
Things happen in life that you don’t want to happen—whether you lose a game, things don’t go well at work, or something happens with your child. There are many moments in our personal and professional lives that don’t go the way we want. How do you deal with them? Do you handle them with class and integrity, with courage and resilience? Are you able to share your emotions with others?
Do you have people in your life who can help you through those challenges? I’m blessed to have had people walk through those moments with me. They always say, “Double the pleasure and divide the pain,” and that’s what relationships are all about. When you care for and love those around you, they give back—and that’s where the reward comes.
-- Tom Brady
Ever noticed...that our personalities are really just the thing that we’ve ended up going with — fostering and developing — to maintain the narrative we think we need to exist and prosper in our world?
I suspect what we think of as personalities are pre-seeded by certain chromosomal leanings, which facilitate and enhance the narratives that we prefer. But, either way, our personalities are the way that we present ourselves to the world.
Not news per se, but a reminder…that we are presenting more often than we think we are.
Information and truth are not automatically the same thing.
Most of us tend to see, what we think we’ve already seen.
We are integrated beings — so, when we become disintegrated, we aren't fully who we really are.
What needs to be healed in me?
What would you say defines a successful marriage?
Is it longevity, happiness, friendship, depth of relationship? How does time bear on that definition — does it mitigate it or enhance it?
Whatever it is, one thing that seems obvious is that it’s way more than simply someone’s (or, even a group's) idea of what it is. It’s an actual relationship — not a conceptual one, an actual one.
Having now been married for 39 years (as of today), I can say that — like long-term relationships of many kinds — it covers a lot terrain. There are many highs and lows (not just one or two). The terrain is vast and nuanced, including many patterns — some are highly perceived, some are not. There is both something constant and something evolving. Some familiar and something imminently new.
So, what makes the relationship of marriage persist?
If nothing else, I would say commitment. Many things, of course, impact that. Sure, what I get out of it is always in play. But, in the end, it is my willingness to stay committed to Tami's full well-being that keeps me in my relationship with her.
As she and I reflect on it, we feel very aware of what that commitment has yielded. Sure, we still get into skirmishes with each other. They are uncomfortable; we don't like them. But, something has grown strong enough, because of the length and depth of our commitment, that we aren't ultimately threatened by them (even when sometimes, in the moment, we still feel like we are).
We are very grateful for these yields — the many things we do together (see below) and enjoy together, the things we have discovered together, the things we respect and and admire about each other, the friendships we've built (and lost), the beauty of our children (and now their children) and our relationships with them. The list goes on and on.
In many ways, we each feel like our lives are continuing to expand and grow, both independently and together. With even just a little distance (for perspective), we marvel at that, are grateful for it, and want to keep on...staying committed to loving each other.
Before this all begins to sound a little too self-congratulatory, I should add the distinct likelihood that effort (commitment) alone may not always provide such outcomes. I know of many who have been committed to their marriages (well beyond how I am to mine) who may feel they have ended up with few or none of the things I've mentioned above. I don't fully know what to do with that (besides feel the sadness I have for them).
So, perhaps more than anything else, I should also acknowledge the reality (and need) of a lot of grace — something we all need to extend as much as we need to receive — to make a marriage successful.
Frozen shores of PJ Hoffmaster State Park, MI
I'm wondering...if we're going to make it collectively, when we all seem so focused on self-interest that we don't really know what all is being ripped from the structures all around us.
Unfortunately, "I wished I had known..." won't help very much when that becomes even more obvious. They are predicting and banking on us just not paying attention.
How far we seem to have come from the simplicity of telling the truth, reflected on this Presidents Day history.
Keep your spirit clear; keep your mind clear — including what muddies your waters.
Something in us, at the surface level, seems attracted to controversy — so, we have to learn how to go below the surface.
When we speak with venom, it usually comes from a source of pain.
Are you aware of the things that strengthen you? What about the things that weaken you?
Prior 3 Observations & A Question….
Don't you ever get tired of how annoyed you are?
OK, so maybe we should just be a little more honest — there are things about other people that are at the very least annoying, especially the more we get to know them. But, that’s hardly the point, is it?
Because there are also many things, about other people, that are fascinating and inspiring and attractive…and worth loving. No one ever said it would be just one or the other.…just like that’s not the case with yourself.
It’s not too hard to fantasize about all the hassles that could be avoided by not having to live around other people. But it is also true that significant parts of you would not only be underdeveloped, but also deformed without the benefits of engagement with other people (hassles included). What, for example, would you know about love? What about the enjoyment of things that you simply can’t create exclusively from yourself? What about the beauty and joy related to the nature of harmony?
Being annoyed is allowed. But, despite the current popularity of righteous-indignation, just don't let things like annoyance and controversy become the primary food-groups of your daily emotional, psychological diet.
People are a hassle sometimes. So am I (you, too, by the way...). That's not the point.
I’ve noticed…that I tend to not acknowledge my fears.
…likely a strategy to protect something for me — but, if unaware, more likely empowering them.
Working for justice can become a way to justify ourselves before God. If we are not careful, the good work we give ourselves to can become another idol that takes the rightful place of Jesus. We must be on guard against the temptation to establish an identity outside of the love of God in Christ.
If we don’t live from the center of God’s love, working for justice can be just another creative way to meet the unrelenting needs of our egos. When that happens, the work for justice is no longer about the poor and mistreated but about our own unmet needs.
We work for justice not because it justifies us; rather, because we’ve been justified, we work for justice. We are called to work with urgency, knowing that the needs are great, and also with patience, convinced that God is near. We pour ourselves out in love because this is how Christ longs to live through us, but we recognize our limitations. We seek the peace of our cities and towns because we are called to be salt and light, and we confess that only Jesus will make all things new.
To have a good, beautiful, and kind life—one formed by love—requires us to extend our faith beyond the borders of our private emotional and spiritual concerns. We are called into a larger story, one characterized by participation in God’s kingdom. It’s the kind of participation that drives out passivity.
When Jesus taught his disciples to pray, he instructed them to say, “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10). Is that not love? Is that not justice? To pray these words is not to passively say, “Lord, there’s nothing we can do, so please fix this world.” Rather, the Lord’s Prayer calls us to say, “Lord, there’s so much we can do, but only ever in your power.”
-- Pastor Rich Villodas
